I'll admit, the main reason I haven't been posting here much is not that I don't feel comfortable doing so, it's that I'm having some difficulties being... attached? excited? optimistic? about this pregnancy.
One very wise friend once told me:
"Having infertility takes the innocence out of trying for a baby; having a miscarriage takes the innocence out of being pregnant."So true, and every day, I think of that phrase in my mind.
In my head I know that I should be starting to feel excitement, and be starting to plan things. Logically, I know that I should. Logically, I know that I should be starting to research strollers and baby furniture and start looking for mat clothes.
Fuck that noise. I can't even imagine having a big tummy. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall - I kid you not.
Today I was in to my doctor for a routine prenatal exam. My resting heart rate (HR) was through the roof - consistently, on 8 different measurements, 124 and above. My BP was perfect. He seemed very puzzled by this, especially since I have no other associated symptoms other than a chronic headache. Sends me for more tests.
What was weird? The whole time I sat in his office while he fretted over it, it didn't phase me. At all. It wasn't until I got home and thought about it a bit that I started to get a bit worried. And not really overly, just a bit.
My clothes are starting to get a little - snug. Well, let's face it. I gained 14lbs over the two IVF cycles with all of the hormones being pumped through my belly, and haven't lost it; I'm bloated all the time. I feel gross. I should probably be looking for mat clothes.
You know what I told a friend the other day who offered to send me some of hers?
That I was glad I was just borrowing the clothes - buying clothes would feel like I'm jinxing it in some way.
My doctor freaks out that I don't have my NT scans booked yet.
My mother wants to know what we'll do for a baby shower.
My clinic wants to know what we're going to call her.
My sister wants to know if I want any of her stuff as hand-me-downs.
Mr. Buggy told me today he couldn't get to sleep last night because he was so excited about Buggy.
LISTEN, PEOPLE. I haven't really accepted the fact I'm actually pregnant yet. Sad, but true. I'm FUCKED UP. Leave me alone. Stop forcing me to think ahead to what you think WILL be, and what I think MIGHT happen.
I can just see it now. Babe will come, we won't have any crib or stroller or clothes for it because I was too screwed up and in denial of the whole thing that I insisted on actually pushing out and holding "Embryo #6" before I would purchase anything for her.
You gots to see it to believe it.
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11 comments on "Fucked up."
You're not fucked up - you're protecting yourself. IMHO, after everything you've been through to get here, that's pretty normal.
I hope it gets easier with time be more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant. Excited might be even further down the road.
((HUGS)) my dear, non-fucked up friend!!!
I understand completely! I’m almost half way thought and still can’t believe I’m pregnant. I actually have my 20 week appt tomorrow and am so freaked out something happen to the baby since my last visit. I feel like my blood pressure rises each day leading up to appts.
I am left in a pretty similar situation. I am about 10 weeks and still not fully accepting of all of it yet. I haven't let myself get truely excited or gush. I am worried in between every ultrasound and don't feel pregnant.
You are not alone in your feelings. I am right there with you. I am hoping once I get into the second trimester and hear those heartbeats nice and strong, I will start to feel different.
Keep confident Buggy. As much as you can and try hard to accept a little bit at a time. That's what I am trying to do.
MissC
You're not fucked up, you're totally normal. I've been the exact same way. Now at almost 24 weeks, I am finally allowing some of it to seep in, but seriously, we still don't have a single baby item (save a few things from other people) in our house.
You are so totally normal. I could have written this post myself! I find on the days I get to hear the heartbeat or see the babe I can relax (slightly) for about 24 hours and then the stressing starts again. I hate that feeling of constantly wondering and waiting for that other shoe to drop.
You're not fucked up. I think it's perfectly reasonable given everything you've gone through.
Please don't beat yourself up over it. None of the other peopl in your life have gone through the same thing as you in the same way as you have and it's totally normal for you to have differents feelings now.
HUGS.
I completely understand. It took forever for me to be excited about being pregnant. Everyday I woke up and said 'Oh good I am still pregnant' and every night I got into bed and said 'that's another day in the books'.
One day at a time Buggy.
So, so normal...for us who've dealth with infertility. I'm on my 2nd IVF pregnancy, at 37 weeks, and I'm only JUST now getting baby stuff together. It's nearly impossible to dream that this might actually happen...and I have 1 daughter already from a previous cycle. It's just that when you've had nothing negativity surrounding TTC, it's hard to imagine things could actually "work out". Don't beat yourself up. Take one day at a time. Try to relish the small things, as when it's all over, no matter if you embrace it now or not, you'll remember everyday. It's tough...I know. But it's your TURN! Good luck!
I hear you. Every time my husband and I talk about our pregancy (12 weeks' at this stage), we always qualify it with a "if everything goes to plan". Everyone is so excited for us (and we are too!) but it is tempered with a cautiousness and lots of "touch woods" and not wanting to look into things too much yet in case we jinx it.
Although I have given myself permission to buy some maternity bras as my poor boobs were being mashed in my prepregnancy ones!
Best of luck
I just stumbled across your blog from Elphaba's blog. I hope you are settling into the beautiful reality of your pregnancy! You have an awesome story and it makes me so happy that your second IVF worked despite the odds! I hope everything is going well for you.
this is how I felt throughout most of my pregnancy. I was a mess and I was trying to be calm. it was stressful. this phrase that you shared from your friend is so on point. I think you are remarkable. truly.
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