Welcome to "A Bug Odyssey"

Hello, all, and welcome to "A Bug Odyssey: A journey through infertility".

I have made a decision to cease blogging here on this site, at least for the near future. I do invite you though, if you're new to here to read about my shitastic journey through that lovely thing they call 'infertility'.

I will update my current readers, though, to let them know this: my beautiful, amazing little girl was born at the end of February, healthy as a horse, and is the absolute light of our lives.

After 3 1/2 years of heartache, pain, and struggling, financial ruin, our baby is here. Our dream, our wish came true. Finally.

I hope that this blog brings support to those suffering like I did; something to read and laugh at, cry with, and scream for when you need it. A commonality that I wish none of us had to share, but like it or lump it, we're stuck with it. So let's be there for one another.

I will keep this blog active so that others may read my past posts. And maybe, just maybe, someday, I'll be back on here, blogging about my next IVF journey....that is, IF the money gods shine down lovingly on us.

But for now, this is Mrs. Buggy, signing off. Wishing you all the best of luck in your journeys. Hoping that your dreams, your wishes come true.

Lots of love and support,

We'll always have Infertility...

Everything is just truckin' along here. Nothing much to report.

I've been thinking about what will happen when Baby comes with respect to my blogging here; do I stop? take a hiatus until we (hopefully, one day) try for number 2? do I continue blogging all of her little milestones? do I just post, once in a while, when I have an insane-infertile rant I need to get out there?

I'm really torn about this.

I've had several women privately email me about my posts over the years; women going through the same thing, women encouraging me and women whom I've encouraged by sharing my experiences, pain, and essentially what is my take on being an infertile struggling to have a family.

Right now, I'm leaning towards calling it quits. Ending on what will be the highest note this blogger could achieve - motherhood. Perhaps coming back and posting if we decide to do more treatments in the future, perhaps not.

I want this to be a safe place where people going through this shitty disease called infertility can go for years to come and read my crazy rantings, share my tears, feel my pain - all with the purpose of knowing they're not alone. They'll never be alone. That despite our astronomically shitastic odds, my husband and I beat them - that in and of itself should inspire hope in someone out there in the blogosphere, longing to have a child to call their own.

If I post about Baby here once she's here, tangible, on this planet - it's no longer a safe place for those who need it to be. Someone else's baby pictures and posts about shitty diapers and sleepless nights are most certainly not an infertile's friend.

When I first really started this blog after my loss in July 2010, it was to mourn. To be angry at the world. To rant to someone. Anyone. No one at all.

My one suggestion to those reading this now suffering from IF if you haven't already - start a blog. Write in a diary. Get your feelings out there. It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads it or it's just there, a tool for you to use when you're feeling down. Some days, this blog was all that kept me going, kept me sane.

Blogging, my friends, is most certainly a type of therapy. Or it has been for me, at least. I think that's why, right now, I'm crying.

Because, for now, I'll continue to blog here until babe is born. And then, I think, we're off the air.

29weeks, and counting

So I have to admit, I'm feeling a little better about this pregnancy now that I'm one foot in the third trimester.

Doesn't mean that about half the time I'm still waiting for the other proverbial piece of footwear to plummet to the ground.

For instance: for extenuating reasons, I had to have my shower quite early in my pregnancy (or at least I felt it was early). I therefore had to register earlier than I would have liked (let's face it: I had a couple of anxiety attacks while compiling it, mostly when I clicked "Add to Registry" for the big things like the crib and mattress and carseat, etc.).

And then when this stuff, all of this stuff, started showing up at my door and eventually consumed our small little spare room? Well. Hubby wants to unpack everything. Wants to set stuff up. Me? Not so much. Even now. It's too soon.

So I shut the door to the spare room so I don't have to look at it.

Sure, once in a while, when I'm feeling uber calm, super brave, and delightfully zen, do we head in there and open a box, sort through the clothes and the gift bags, etc. But then, sitting in what will be her room, I will eventually think, without fail: fuck. Look at all of this stuff. What are we going to do if she dies? if she doesn't come home with us? Look at all of this stuff we'll have to remind us.

And it makes me sad. My miscarriage totally robbed me of the ability to 100% enjoy this pregnancy. I should be blissfully happy, out shopping daily for her, nursery all set up already.

Anyway.

The prenatal classes continue; last week was the hospital tour, so our guide did most of the talking - which was nice, there was minimal amounts of 'stupid' going on in the room because of it. But still with the fucking iPhones. Grr.

The Liebster Award

Hello again ladies.

It seems as though I've been nominated for another blogger award - the Liebster Award - by H. over at The Road Less Traveled. Thank you very much to that blogger who felt I deserved the award - I`m honored!

This award is meant to be given to bloggers with less than 200 followers in the spirit of fostering new connections.

Liebster: German for dearest, beloved, favorite.

Here are the rules for the award:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, and link back to them.
2. Reveal your top five picks, and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award to your blog.
4. Hope that the 5 people you've sent it to send it along to their 5 favorites!

So, here are my top five picks:
1. Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm
2. Cure for Boredom
3. Everyone else but me
4. Barren Lazza
5. Got love, been married... (squeaks in with 200 followers)

27w5d

**Warning - Labor Classes Discussed**

Ok. So things have been busy (as usual). So I haven't been the greatest blogger in the world. Sue me. :P

My husband and I have started our prenatal/birthing classes run by our midwife group. It's 8 sessions, once weekly for 2 hours.

When we first signed up for them, I thought to myself, holy cripes, how much sh*t could there be to know about being in labor and pushing a baby out one's chooch? Really? 16 hours of classes?!

And the anxiety of having to go to these classes. Let me tell you. These people in the class with you are 'normal' pregnant people (read: most likely? Fucking Fertiles), consisting of the following:

- The 'teenaged pregnancy'... 'couple' (?)
- 4 'mid-twenties-at-the-most' couples
- The 'single-mother-plus-mother/support-person' couple
- The 'late-thirties-not-even-showing-yet' couple
- Us. Early to mid thirties. And fucking infertile. Jaded. Bitter. Realistic. Worldly. 

Now. All of these people uncomfortably placed in hard wooden chairs arranged in a big circle for 2 hours, watching movies (GRAPHIC movies), having discussions, and interacting with one another - well, who says Sur.vivor is the ultimate social experiment? Pfft. I beg to differ.

I knew what the demographic would consist of when we signed up for these classes, and that it/they would ultimately piss me off to no end, but we don't really have a choice in the matter, I *want* to know what my options are, and when it comes down to it our midwifery group won't labor with us unless we've taken some sort of class series.

First class?

- Early-Mid Twenties Husbands: On their FUCKING iPhones the entire class
[I fucking HATE this kind of technology and its blatant miss-use in society. BLATANT. Could you maybe make an effort and pay a LITTLE attention? This is KIND of important?]


- Single Mother: Obviously doesn't want to be there; refuses to interact in any of the exercises
[A real peach. But at least she was quiet.]


- Teenaged pregnancy couple: "Man" asks if he can bring his X-Box and set it up in the laboring suite.
[Jaw drops to the floor. I found myself staring incredulously at this little prick. Are you fucking KIDDING me? Your (partner) is about to push a freakin' 10lb BABY out of her VA-JAY-JAY and you are going to be playing X-Box??!? WHUT?! "I know, HANG ON a minute! I'm almost done the level! THEN I can hold your legs, bitch!"]
Her? Pain meds. All she wanted to know, over and over again, was about PAIN MEDS.
[Fair enough. Yes, apparently labor is painful. BUT SHE JUST ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION 2 MINUTES AGO! Do you need a Q-tip to clean out you gawd damned ears? Please, just STOP asking!]


- Late thirties, early forties Couple: He's disinterested; keeps checking his watch & blackberry.
[I think: second marriage? maybe? Looks like the Executive type.]
Her? Monopolized 80% of the class time insisting that her birth plan be followed to a T.
[Ugh. Shut.The.Fuck.UP. already! First off - this is a class with other people in it. NEWSFLASH! It's NOT all about you, beotch! Secondly, we're not talking about birth plans! WE're talking about EMERGENCY CESAREANS and FORCEPS - all the stuff that you need to be ready for IF YOU'RE FUCKING BIRTHPLAN GETS THROWN OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE THERE'S A COMPLICATION, you dolt! UGH!]


My husband and I walked away from the class a little more educated about part of the process, true. But - we also walked away feeling like we both needed a 4-finger glass of scotch after having to sit through 2 hours of idiots.

And we've only just begun. Lord, give me the strength not to rip someone's head off and shit in the hole. Please.

A lesson about "Infertility"

Ok.

I really try to be patient and mindful of people who just don't know a lot about infertility.

But I'm fucking sick and tired of healthcare professionals (imaging techs, lab techs, doctors, midwives) automatically assuming that we used I.V.F. because I couldn't get pregnant, and that there was a problem with me, or that because I'm over 30 I must have had issues (I shit you not) because I'm "getting up there"...

PEOPLE. Need I remind you healthcare professionals who deal with pregnant people all day long?

Look at this lovely pie chart:

Causes of infertility, data compiled in the United Kingdom 2009. Reference: Regulated fertility services: a commissioning aid - June 2009, from the Department of Health UK

PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.

Now, don't get me wrong at all - most people are completely innocent to these things; the stats say that 1 in 6 couples will struggle with infertility. That means that 5 in 6 get to be blissfully ignorant for their entire lives about alternative methods for making babies (you know, any situation that requires anything more than a few glasses of red wine, some fancy panties and a bottle of K.Y.). I get it, I do.

But when you're an ultrasound tech who's specialty is prenatal scans, don't start chatting once you find out that we did I.V.F. about the fact that ya, I'm 32, and you're worried you'll have problems, too, because you're almost 29. Are you kidding me? You do 10-12 prenatal scans a day. That means that odds are, you'll encounter at least 1 to 2 couples who've struggled to conceive and have used A.R.T. in some form or another per day.

And doctors? Don't get me STARTED on doctors. But most of all, I was disappointed in my midwife group, when I had to explain to each of them (no, CORRECT) at all of my appointments that no, I had no problems conceiving, everything's good with the mare - take a look over there at the stud. Ya.

I'm not laying blame with respect to our infertility (notice - it's our infertility, not his), I'm just sick and tired of the ignorance that is bestowed upon those who should really know better than to assume.

So. Keep up with your research, people. Take a minute to look up the term "infertility". Know that there are two people involved, a man and a woman, when a baby is made. Two sets of variables to consider, not just one.

An update on our pregnancy:
Well, our 3D ultrasound went over without a hitch today, other than the Bug was covering her face the entire time, and then finally got pissed off enough at us that she flipped over, showed us her ass, and the scan was over.

I can tell you, my baby has a nice ass. And moves *a lot*. Which made for some pretty blurry pictures. Oh well.

24w2d

The nightmares are fucking with my head.

I keep having this recurring dream that my husband dies; the way he dies changes every night, but in the end, he dies.

And I'm left alone, pregnant, in a strange city.

And then baby comes, and SHE dies, too. I'm so tired, it's the middle of the night and I'm breastfeeding. I fall asleep while feeding her - and I smother her.

And then, it's just me. Alone. Crying on her bedroom floor.

And then I wake up.

I don't get it. I'm STILL waiting for the other shoe to fall, even in my subconscious. It still feels too good to be true.

Every appointment I go to, I'm 'normal'. The pregnancy is progressing 'normally'. Baby is 'normal'.

I'm grateful, don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful.

But - I've realized I've become an infertile (human) version of Pavlov's dog. And it sucks.

21w5d

... and it's been a while.

Thanks again to all of those new and old readers who've popped by to read, and leave comments, on some of my more recent posts. It means a lot that there are still those of you who are reading along, or going back and reading through the entire blog (!) and emailing me about it.

I'm glad that my posts, in some small way, may be helping even just one person out there.

I haven't really had too much to update about lately; I had my anatomy scan a week ago, and everything was looking good with the little Bug. She was busy moving around; her measurements all normal and on-point with where they should be. She was in a breech position, facing us, kicking at the ultrasound probe for a lot of the exam.

What an immense relief to see our little Bug, waving back at us, with a beating heart, brain, body and limbs. Just such a blessing. At my latest midwife appointment, everything is still looking good; my blood pressure is normal, I've gained a total of 10lbs so far in the pregnancy, I'm measuring at a normal size for how far along I am.

As I was lying there on the table while she palpated my abdomen, she asked me about my "birthing plan" and if "I'd given any thoughts to [my] labour" yet. 

You've got to be kidding me. I thought she was joking at first, but when I realized she was being dead serious, I told her: 

                      "uh, I don't have a plan. I just want to *make* it to the labour. And how can you have a specific plan for something that, really, has so many factors and variables to it that making a plan would be an exercise in futility? What will be, will be. We'll see what happens. If I want an epidural, give me an epidural. If I want to be in the tub, put me in the tub. I'm a play-it-by-ear kinda girl"

Her response?

                   "Oooh... I LIKE you! Good way to think"

I just don't understand, and no offence to any of my readers out there who think otherwise, why a woman would be SO set in her birthplan when, really? Honey? You have no fucking idea what's going to happen. Why, I say, would you set yourself up to feel like a failure when something doesn't go quite right, and you have to (be induced/take pain meds because you just can't take it any more/ have a last minute cesarean/ insert 'unplanned' medical intervention here)?

Now! That's NOT to say that I won't be going to every childbirthing class, alternative birthing class, reading all of the books, etc. because I want to be informed about all of my options, so that if and when the time comes, I know what they're talking about and what they're going to do. 

Besides. I'm not worried, really, about the whole labour thing. Really. What scares the be-jebsus out of me is 

a. if she'll die before she's born

b. if she'll die after she's born (SIDS, or, my recurring nightmare? that I'm so tired I fall asleep while breastfeeding and smother her. Ya.)

Bigger fish to fry. Bigger fish.

17w3d

I guess I should update again from my most recent midwife appointment.

Everything seems to be going well with the pregnancy; Buggy's heartrate is at about 150bpm now, and I'm starting to feel movement and kicking in there every once in a while.

My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks time.

I have to say that I'm enjoying the 'midwife' experience. They tend to take a lot of time with us; most importantly, I think they realize how fucked up in the heads Mr. Buggy and I are about this whole pregnancy thing actually happening, and seem to be really reassuring about everything that comes up.

I've lost a bit of weight from my last appointment, but I'm betting on the fact that because the weather's gotten much cooler, I'm not retaining as much water anymore. So far I have a total weight gain of 4 and 1/2lbs, which they say is really good so far.

They discussed prenatal classes with us, which are free here in our community. We'll probably start those in October/November some time.

I have an anatomy ultrasound scheduled at the end of the month; by then I'll be just about 19 weeks along. That, I'm looking forward to. I just want to see her, alive and well, measuring normally, organs functioning, moving around in there. Please, just let her be ok.

16w0d

I'm officially outta the first trimester and into the second. Both feet in the second, actually.

I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner on my first midwifery appointment this week, things as usual have been a little crazy around here.

The appointment went really, really well. Better than I could have ever hoped. I'll be honest, I was really on the fence about going with a midwife over an OB - and I have to say that I'm glad we did. The appointment was one of the longest I've ever had with a healthcare professional. She asked a full history, how I was feeling, what's been going on, and never once in the 45 minutes with her did we feel rushed.

We get to deliver at a fantastic hospital near by; we have the option of everything to a fully natural child birth all the way up to a fully medicated one; waterbirth is an option for us (although I hadn't really given much thought to it - I always thought it was a bit "granola" for me, but we'll see, at least there's the option).

Buggy's HB is now 156 bpm and strong. I think I'm starting to feel her move around in there (feels like there's waves running through my uterus, and every once in a while I get a crazy amount of fluttering). I have weekly appointments with the group of midwives for the next few weeks, and next week I get my requisition for the anatomy scan - which I'm anxious for. I just want to see that she's in there, moving around, being normal.

I'm still paranoid that I'm going to miscarry. The midwife I think could sense this, and she said the best thing in the world to me that anyone has said so far in this pregnancy:

"Even though you guys did the IVF/PGD, at this point? You're pregnant. Just like any other normal pregnant woman. So you'll be treated as a normal pregnant woman, because you are."

Amazing to finally here we're 'normal' after hearing otherwise for so many years.