It's the final countdown?

"There is a dream that we both used to share and we swore we would never wake. Now the dream's a nightmare, and the truth to be fair is that dreaming was the first mistake."
- Bare Naked Ladies

More pregnancy announcements in the last few days. 4 friends. 1 cousin. And again - I am very happy for them. I am.

But my heart is breaking.

I know my (second) chance is just around the corner (if months is considered just around the corner, which, really, in Infertility Land it is) but at the same time, I'm starting to contemplate when 'The End' will be for us with respect to A.R.T. At what point do you call it quits? How many treatments? How many thousands and thousands of dollars? How many tears? How many fights? How many emotional breakdowns?

When do you just throw the towel in?

Everyone's end-point is different. Many people would have stopped even before the point I'm at right now. I have a friend who thinks I'm crazy to be trying again (despite the fact that the first time shouldn't even be considered a 'try'). Easy for him to say; he has 2 healthy, normal teenagers. Walk a mile, walk a mile.

Another friend/co-worker thinks I'm nutters for even doing A.R.T. despite his own fertility problems. He can't believe that I'd put myself through such invasive treatments for such a small chance at creating a life. He keeps asking me, "why don't you just adopt?".

How 'bout I just punch your teeth out?

I feel - discombobulated. One day I'm excited to be starting again 'soon', the next I'm depressed and ready to give up, because, what's the point? What the fuck is the point. How long have we been trying? Praying? Hoping?

How long can you emotionally and mentally set yourself up, over and over again, only to be (figuratively) shit on repeatedly? What was that that Einstein said? oh, ya:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Interesting. Am I insane to hope? I don't think so. Others may disagree. And one's final stop on this infertile journey has to be determined of course by that person. And maybe I'm just, well, let's face it - emotional. But, as the perpetual planner that I am, I'm attempting to be both retrospective and prospective lately when I assess our path to parenthood. I need to ready myself for the possibility that we, in the next year or so, may very well be giving up on all of this due to the cost of it all.


I don't care about the needles. The invasiveness. The appointments. It's the money that's the immediate limiting factor. It's too fucking expensive. That's the most frustrating part for me. That the option is there, but you just have to have the money, honey. That really, it won't be our decision that leads us to give up, or other factors like age (since it's still on my side, at the moment anyway); it'll be the god damned mother fucking MONEY.  The treatment? A dangling, transparent carrot.


So, my loyal followers. If you win the lottery, could you pretty please keep me in mind - I'm a good person with an awesome heart who just needs a few g's to be a mommy.