21w5d

... and it's been a while.

Thanks again to all of those new and old readers who've popped by to read, and leave comments, on some of my more recent posts. It means a lot that there are still those of you who are reading along, or going back and reading through the entire blog (!) and emailing me about it.

I'm glad that my posts, in some small way, may be helping even just one person out there.

I haven't really had too much to update about lately; I had my anatomy scan a week ago, and everything was looking good with the little Bug. She was busy moving around; her measurements all normal and on-point with where they should be. She was in a breech position, facing us, kicking at the ultrasound probe for a lot of the exam.

What an immense relief to see our little Bug, waving back at us, with a beating heart, brain, body and limbs. Just such a blessing. At my latest midwife appointment, everything is still looking good; my blood pressure is normal, I've gained a total of 10lbs so far in the pregnancy, I'm measuring at a normal size for how far along I am.

As I was lying there on the table while she palpated my abdomen, she asked me about my "birthing plan" and if "I'd given any thoughts to [my] labour" yet. 

You've got to be kidding me. I thought she was joking at first, but when I realized she was being dead serious, I told her: 

                      "uh, I don't have a plan. I just want to *make* it to the labour. And how can you have a specific plan for something that, really, has so many factors and variables to it that making a plan would be an exercise in futility? What will be, will be. We'll see what happens. If I want an epidural, give me an epidural. If I want to be in the tub, put me in the tub. I'm a play-it-by-ear kinda girl"

Her response?

                   "Oooh... I LIKE you! Good way to think"

I just don't understand, and no offence to any of my readers out there who think otherwise, why a woman would be SO set in her birthplan when, really? Honey? You have no fucking idea what's going to happen. Why, I say, would you set yourself up to feel like a failure when something doesn't go quite right, and you have to (be induced/take pain meds because you just can't take it any more/ have a last minute cesarean/ insert 'unplanned' medical intervention here)?

Now! That's NOT to say that I won't be going to every childbirthing class, alternative birthing class, reading all of the books, etc. because I want to be informed about all of my options, so that if and when the time comes, I know what they're talking about and what they're going to do. 

Besides. I'm not worried, really, about the whole labour thing. Really. What scares the be-jebsus out of me is 

a. if she'll die before she's born

b. if she'll die after she's born (SIDS, or, my recurring nightmare? that I'm so tired I fall asleep while breastfeeding and smother her. Ya.)

Bigger fish to fry. Bigger fish.