24w2d

The nightmares are fucking with my head.

I keep having this recurring dream that my husband dies; the way he dies changes every night, but in the end, he dies.

And I'm left alone, pregnant, in a strange city.

And then baby comes, and SHE dies, too. I'm so tired, it's the middle of the night and I'm breastfeeding. I fall asleep while feeding her - and I smother her.

And then, it's just me. Alone. Crying on her bedroom floor.

And then I wake up.

I don't get it. I'm STILL waiting for the other shoe to fall, even in my subconscious. It still feels too good to be true.

Every appointment I go to, I'm 'normal'. The pregnancy is progressing 'normally'. Baby is 'normal'.

I'm grateful, don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful.

But - I've realized I've become an infertile (human) version of Pavlov's dog. And it sucks.