To be honest,

... I'm sad. Ugh! And it makes me so mad! ha ha ha.

I was supposed to go yesterday for a repeat on my beta level to see how much it's dropped in the last week or so; I got to the lab, it was packed, and I thought to myself: what's the point? I mean, really? I could wait and go another day, and not wreck my weekend sitting waiting for the clinic to phone with my results only to be disappointed again.

Whatever! URGH!

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of the pressures placed on us by our families right now about stupid, unimportant things when they KNOW what the hell we've been going through. I'm tired of people volunteering me to do shit without even asking if I can first, or more importantly, even WANT to. I'm tired of my husband and my feelings not being considered; I'm tired of everyone being so g.d. selfish. I'm tired of putting on this fucking facade all.The.TIME. I'm tired of always being the one to ask how the other is doing, and never being asked in return. Or when I am asked, I don't feel I can really tell you the truth. You can't handle the truth.

Or, I worry what you would do with the truth. We are, afterall, a society of gossipers...

Some days, I wish hubby and me could just tell the world to fuck off. That's right, I said it. I'd love to just for one day be able to tell people where to go. I don't *care* sometimes how you're doing - I'm too busy trying to care about and fix how I'm doing and how my husband is doing. Sigh.

I think I'm too polite sometimes. I suffer from 'extreme hyperpolite-itis...' I know I have to stand up to the family. But then I look like the big bad bitch. So, I let them walk all over me (us).

/rant....

I feel better physically - I'm off to the gym almost every morning during the week (and sometimes on the weekend); emotionally I'm still a wreck, snappy, happy, angry, sad, you name it and all in a 10 minute period. Look out. Yikes.

I've picked out and bought the dress and coat patterns for this fall's virtual sewing with my buddy 250km away. Off to buy some material I saw on sale last week for one of the patterns this weekend.

Oh! and JOY of all JOYS - a F.F.F. to attend tonight.

Heaven help me and give me the strength not to rip all their heads off and sh*t in the holes...