An emotional paradox.

One of my best friends in the whole world just announced to me that she's pregnant. I was (other than her hubby, mum and dad) the first to know.

She and I have been trying to conceive for about the same length of time. We've both had and seen each other through the heartache of miscarriages; through the agony of our infertility diagnoses (her: severe PCOS and mild MFI; me: genetic and severe MFI); the misery and torture of dealing with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement; and the pain of invasive tests and appointments, one after the other.

I am truly and utterly over the moon for her and her husband. I really, really am. If there's anyone in this world that I couldn't be more happy for (other than myself, of course), it's her. 

She's worked so hard to get where she is right now. She lost mass amounts of weight in hopes of improving or eliminating her PCOS symptoms; she saw herbalists and acupuncturists and naturopaths and OB/Gyns and REs; she took Clomi.d for months on end and drank nasty concoctions of grossness. They were gearing up to take it to the next level - either medicated IUIs or IVF in the spring.

So, why is it that I can feel so happy for her and so sad for me at the same time?

And I feel terrible for feeling sad; this isn't a time for grieving - it's a time for rejoicing. My head knows that - but my heart, well - that's just another thing altogether. It hurts. It's heavy. It's broken.

I guess this announcement surprised me a bit, but really, it shouldn't have. I knew they were trying. I knew she was on meds. I guess I just thought that, like in my case, the longer you go without a BFP the more likely it looks that you'll definitely need intervention.

And I'm honestly and truly sick and tired of feeling all 'woe is me' every time there's another pregnancy announcement. I feel even worse about feeling this way this time 'round because this is my best friend. But I have this sinking feeling as time goes on that this isn't going to happen for me.

And now my two friends are going to be pregnant, 3 months apart, without me.

I know it's not a competition. I know it's not a 'club'. But in my heart, it feels that way right now. I'm going to be left out, for lack of a better phrase. How the hell am I going to be able to emotionally stomach going out with the two of them at the same time, with their big bellies and swollen ankles and morning sickness? And they're going to get to spend their mat leaves together - I'll still be fucking working at the same shitty job that I took years ago thinking that I wouldn't be in it long! I'll just get pregnant right away and go on mat leave. Pft.

 It's selfish to think like this, but I do.

And God'll get me for saying all of this, especially (knock on wood) if something doesn't turn out for them.

It's just, well, I'm stuck in an emotional paradox. And it sucks.