They Just.Don't.Get.It.

I made the mistake of phoning my mother the last time I had an emotional "they got pregnant and I can't" moment. When I can't talk to my husband, she's been my sounding board; sometimes calming me just by saying she understands.

Hmph. Not so this time 'round.

She accused me of being selfish and of overreacting. She said I need to 'buck it up and move on'. That whether it takes 3 years or 6 years to get pregnant, what's the difference at the end of the day as long as the result is the same?

She actually said those words to me. Unfuckingbelievable.

I honestly don't know what snapped in her; maybe she was just tired of receiving my monthly phone calls consisting of a one-sided infertile bitchfest. Whatever it was, it hurt me to my core. I'm not sure she realizes how insensitive she was. So when she emailed me after I didn't call her in over a week, asking if I was mad at her and how my husband was doing, well, I let her have it.

Normally I wouldn't say anything; but if there's one thing I've learned in my adult years, it's not to take any bullshit from anyone and to be able to voice what I'm feeling. So I told her. She hurt me. That it was insensitive. That infertility is a disease and she'd never tell anyone with cancer to 'buck it up'. And that if she didn't want to talk to me about my infertile problems anymore she should just come out and tell me that - that I don't want to hurt her or make her feel the pain I feel. So if it's too much, just tell me. I'll keep it to myself.

Infertility is a very lonely, lonely place. Nobody wants to talk about it - it's like  it's the big pink elephant in the room; it's the communicable disease that everyone's trying to avoid staring at (much like the proverbial plague). It's there but no one wants to talk about it.

So in the meantime my mother has one grandchild from my sister; maybe this has filled her void; maybe SHE'S accepted the fact that she may never see grandchildren from me, but I sure as hell haven't. Not yet, anyway.