Spinning wheels.

So, talking with another acquaintance tonight, and they're pregnant with their third; that'll be 3 under the age of 4.

I feel defeated. I wasn't even angry or upset when he told us; just, defeated. Like life has beaten me down enough lately that I'm just - numb. I feel numb.

This is bull. I'm letting our infertility define me. Am I? I don't even know anymore. It seems as though these trials seep into every facet of our lives now; into every crevice of our being. I honestly think it's been made worse by the fact that I haven't been able to actually cycle yet - the last few years have been a waiting game. I feel like we're just standing still, spinning our proverbial wheels, never really accomplishing anything.

It worries me to think of how I will feel when I actually do get pregnant (being optimistic here and using 'when' and not 'if'). Will I be able to be happy about it all and enjoy my pregnancy like the average woman, or will I be wrought with fear and pessimism?  Because of the genetic aspect of our infertility, we'll have to have an amniocentesis done at about 18weeks. Will I be apprehensive up until that point? Or will I be comfortable with living by the belief PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)?

Will I tell my friends? How will I feel, if this happens, when I have to tell my friends who've been struggling alongside me for all of this time? What if this IVF/PGD works the first time? What if it doesn't? How far into the great abyss of debt are we willing to go?

Ugh. I give up. For tonight, I just plain give up.