Poke me with a needle.

Well, I've started up with the acupuncture again - all in an attempt to be more 'zen'.  I lay there on an uncomfortable table for the better part of an hour, unable to move with 10 tiny little needles poking out of my skin, and it's supposed to make me feel more relaxed. To increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries.

Or some shit like that.

After the comments I received from last post, I did realize that there aren't many things I have right now in my life that make me happy or make me feel good. I mean, I do see a massage therapist every week for my sore shoulders (work related), but really she just beats me up in attempt to 'work the fascia'. Yikes. That's code word for: my goal today is to leave fingerprint-shaped bruises over as many square inches of your body as possible in a one-hour session. So, not exactly very relaxing.

I partake in the occaisional coffee on my way to work, but even that I've cut down on, and switched from regular to decaf in an attempt to improve egg quality.

Or some shit like that.

So ya, after thinking about it for a bit, I don't really have anything to look forward to from day to day, week to week. Mostly I just set countdown clocks on my iGoogle homepage for the next time my hubby comes home or the next dinner date I have with a friend. Pretty sad, I know.

But it's not like I don't have a lot of friends. It's just half of them I don't want to go out with. My closest friends are pregnant. And although I'm insanely happy for them and I love them with all of my heart, I'm also insanely jealous. So this last week's dinner out with them felt like an hour and a half of torturous talk, mostly focused around pregnancy, little ones, shopping for mat clothes, shopping for baby clothes, mat leaves, strollers, LABOUR, and oh - about my hubb's most recent job interview.

Pretty much the entire dinner I was thinking: This sucks. I wonder how hard I'd have to hit myself with this butter knife in order for it to really do some damage? hmmm...

By the end of it, I was so physically upset I felt sick. I was nauseas, (ahem) had other digestive problems, and nearly had to call in sick to work because of it. I was almost too worried I wouldn't make it the 25 mins to work without an episode of somesort. I didn't want to leave my bed or my bathroom.

I need to calm down about this shit. I need to seriously handle this shit better. I need to be able to cope better.

I think I would have been ok if I had hubbs to come home to - but with the time difference he would have been in bed, and we all know how my mum feels about me being so 'selfish' about pregnant people (Post: They Just.Don't.Get.It.)

I've realized that the most calming thing in my life is actually my husband. I've never thought of him being my Zenly focus, but I'm pretty sure that he is. Or maybe everything is just heightened because he's not here so I'm extra anxious? I don't know.

But, in the meantime, I'm on the lookout for something to do for me, myself and I. Something to focus my energy on to make myself a little bit happier.