The sperm diet worked... sort of...

Unbelievable.

May 10, 2010, for the first time ever in my life I got a BFP. *13* BFPs, to be exact. Still didn't believe it.

This was a non-medicated, non-ART cycle. In fact, it was the cycle immediately prior to us attempting ART. I had the drugs at home, appointments lined up, and was ready to roll, baby.

2 years. 23 cycles. A devastating genetic diagnosis. Confirmation of MFI. 4 Geneticists from all around the world. 2 fertility clinics. 4 reproductive endochrinologists. And we finally get what we've always wanted - pregnant. Without any of their help.

What a miracle.

Immediately we were reminded of our odds of miscarriage due to the genetic anomaly DH carries - at least 40%, if not closer to 50% (given Mendelian genetics...) We were understandably skeptical, but hopeful. Who knows? maybe this will finally happen for us, we thought.

At 7w3d we were blessed to see our little Bug, and its beating heart. 152bpm. I will never forget this. We were elated.

Seeing the heartbeat, we let ourselves plan a bit; become more hopeful; allowed ourselves to talk about things like when the Bug was born, etc.

Well, our little miracle wasn't meant to last.

Our Bug, at my 9w3d ultrasound, had passed. The Bug had made it to 8w2d - its little hands, feet, and even lips visible on the ultrasound. I knew immediately that it wasn't meant to be - I could see no little fluttering of the heartbeat. No movement.

So, now, 2 weeks later, I am still waiting to miscarry. The universe is adding insult to injury by not allowing my body to realize that my little Bug has died; I still have pregnancy symptoms, my belly is growing. But I'm bound and determined to do this naturally, without the help of drugs or surgery if at all possible.

God only knows what I'll have to go through and what drugs I'll have to take for our next pregnancy. I can tell you that we're now definitely going to jump straight to IVF + PGD. I don't want to take the risk of doing medicated IUIs and potentially having to go through this again.

One of the most painful things about all of this is that our geneticists and doctors want confirmation that the baby was genetically abnormal - in order to do this, I need to collect my little one as I pass it and send it off to a pathologists lab to have it analyzed. This is just heartbreaking for me.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

We feel robbed. We feel devastated. We feel empty and jaded.

So. Anyway. Doom and gloom.

My point?

Despite our poor morphology - we got pregnant.

As far as I'm concerned, for all intents and purposes, the sperm diet worked. And my DH is still on it.

I will *never* forget May 10, 2010 (the day I got my first ever BFP) or January 17, 2011 (my EDD).

Mummy loves you, little Bug.